The Briar Patch

Who is Morten Bremer?

2006-07-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

Quote Of The Day

2006-07-12T05:59:00.000-07:00

From the movie "Anchorman":

Ron Burgundy [after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo]: I immediately regret this decision.

Well an I can quote Miller too an all.

2006-07-05T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well an I borrowed this book from Gilles that he borrowed from that cute little Milli an it's by a guy name of Donald Miller. An book title? "Searching For God Knows What." An now afore I give it back I'm a gonna quote from it here on The Briar Patch an all. So here it is now an I'll read it to you:

"In the context of my relationship with God, I know the temptation to bank on knowledge all too well. It is true that you can get a little buzz off knowing a couple of smart theological ideas. My friend Ross is a former seminary professor, and we were driving back from lunch one afternoon and I was telling him what I thought about a particular passage of Scripture, really going off about it as though I were the first of all men to understand what it meant. When I stopped to allow Ross space to tell me how smart I was, he just sat there in silence. "What do you think, Ross?" I asked. "Well," he said quietly, "I think knowledge puffs up."

Scripture says the nature of sin is deceptive, so deceptive that a person's mind can be carried away, and he will have no idea he has become something arrogant and proud and offensive until one of his friends slaps him on the back of the head ....

.... I know there are selfish motives mixed with my faith, that this community of faith is the jury of peers and they applaud when I know a lot of fancy theological stuff, and that can really screw a guy up. I learn more and get more applause and learn more and get even more applause ....

4-7"Instead of giving you God's Law as food and drink by which you can banquet on God, they package it in bundles of rules, loading you down like pack animals. They seem to take pleasure in watching you stagger under these loads, and wouldn't think of lifting a finger to help. Their lives are perpetual fashion shows, embroidered prayer shawls one day and flowery prayers the next. They love to sit at the head table at church dinners, basking in the most prominent positions, preening in the radiance of public flattery, receiving honorary degrees, and getting called 'Doctor' and 'Reverend.'
8-10"Don't let people do that to you, put you on a pedestal like that. You all have a single Teacher, and you are all classmates. Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do. No one else should carry the title of 'Father'; you have only one Father, and he's in heaven. And don't let people maneuver you into taking charge of them. There is only one Life-Leader for you and them—Christ.

THE MESSAGE, Matthew 23:4-10

-- Searching For God Knows What, copyright Donald Miller, 2004

Sebastian and Harvey In The Briar Patch, pt. 2

2006-07-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

Rabby: So an how did ya'll make nice?

Sebastian: After everyone began to scream and Harvey peed his pants, the full import of my actions came crashing down on me. I realized that I, Sebastian, lover of mankind, had committed an act of violence and aggression.

Harvey: I just want to say, again, that it really hurt my eye. And I thought it was a bullet. So anything that may have happened with leakage should be seen in light of that.

Rabby: Oh Harvey, we all know'd you is a lover, not a fighter.

Sebastian: Certainly. Anyway, I rushed to Harvey, saying, "There, there now boy -- see, it's just a water pistol."

Harvey: I began to cry because I thought he was going to start wacking me with the gun and I still couldn't see clearly.

Sebastian: Camille, realizing Harvey had only been watered, began to laugh and to walk away. And in that instant I knew that I'd been played for a rube again.

Rabby: So you admit you acted hasty an all on account a the woman.

Sebastian: Yes. Oh, my Camille. How I long for her. And how she toys with me.

Rabby: Boy, I'm a gonna tell ya whatfer. Yer actin' like a dang fool. An wuts more, an I'm jest gonna say it an I'm sorry fer my bluntness, but Sebastian --

Sebastian: Yes?

Rabby: Yer a jackass.

Harvey: Brother Earl!

Rabby: No, no, it's true. He's a made hisself a jackass over this girl an now I'm gonna say something an I know this is harsh an all but he needs to hear it. Sebastian, this woman don't want none a you.

Sebastian: I, I ... I know. Oh, woe is me. Woe is me, wretched speck of dust that I am.

Harvey: My friend, we've all been there.

Rabby: Well, an Lord knows afore I got redeemed an all, I sure made a mess a things and got a little sideways on account a the womens.

Sebastian: How can I win her back?

Rabby: Yer too good fer this woman!

Harvey: Certainly. What you need isn't found in women anyway. You need to get a Peace of the Rock.

Rabby: Oh, Harvey.

Harvey: Get it? The "rock" is Christ. I'm using that Prudential Life Insurance commercial, "get a "piece" of the "rock" but I'm saying "get the p-e-a-c-e" which sounds like p-i-e-c-e, and of course ....

Rabby: I heerd this one before ol' boy.

Harvey: Really? I've just invested my savings in T-shirts that say, "Peace Of The Rock." I'm going to get them in all the Christian book stores and Walmarts.

Rabby: Yer too late on this one, ol' pal. An plus I'm about to hurl.

Sebastian: I don't understand any of this.

Rabby: He means you need to git you right with the Lord.

Sebastian: I'm Episcopalian.

Rabby: But you been washed in the blood?

Sebastian: Come again.

Rabby: Let's you an me go fer some Co-cola an some moon pies an I'll tell ya all about it.

Sebastian: I suppose that would be okay.

Harvey: I'll come too! And I'll bring my witnessing tools.

Rabby: Harvey, I think you might need to rest that eye, ol' boy.

Harvey: Oh. Well, yes. Yes I suppose so. It hurt very badly, you know. Otherwise --

Rabby: You wouldn't a pee'd. We know.
An now ever body: this has been Earl P. Rabbit, otherwise known as Rabby, sayin' have a good day an thanks fer comin' on the Briar Patch an all. An stay tuned to this blog cuz I'll pro'lly write something agin' sometime even though it's hard to type cuz I'm jest a hare an I got no fingers to speak of. An now I'm gonna go get ol' Sebastian saved an all so we got to git out a here.

Sebastian and Harvey In The Briar Patch

2006-06-29T05:54:00.000-07:00

Rabby: Well an this here is Earl P. Rabbit, otherwise known as Rabby, an I'm here in the Briar Patch today to interview two folks that has had some strong werds and some violence a 'tween 'em: Harvey Brown an Sebastian. An if'n you don't know wut I'm talking about, it all went down on ol' Gilles's blog in the comments section of his post about the X-Men. An now God has a worked a wonderful change an has helped them move past the hatred an all, an they are gonna tell us all about that. Right boys?

Harvey: Yes, Earl.

Sebastian: Certainly. And may I say that while I am not normally pleased with these little deus ex machina plot devices, I am glad, having now been a part of one, that everything has worked out for the best, Harvey's not dead, and I'm not behind bars.

Rabby: Day-us ex mock eeeee nah?

Sebastian: "God in a box" or "God from the machine." It was a theatrical ploy in ancient Greek plays. A god would appear at the end to solve all the characters' problems. They used a kind of crane to lower the actor playing Zeus or whomever onto the stage.

Rabby: Only one God, boy. An I don't know about no Zoos an all but Jesus Christ same yesterday, today, and forever. An died fer my sins an lives fer me too. An lives in me. An a wants to live in you.

Harvey: Earl, I'm not sure if this presentation of the gospel is effective on a sophisticate like Sebastian. But I've given him a copy of Evidence That Demands A Verdict and "The Great Adventure" by Steven Curtis Chapman.

Rabby: Steven who?

Sebastian: Anyway, the reason we're here ...

Rabby: Talkin' about yesterday!

Harvey: Yesterday.

Sebastian: No easy game to play.

Rabby: I'll say. Cuz you shot ol' Harvey right in the eye and dang near detached his retina with that water pistol. An made him wet hisself.

Harvey: Earl!

Rabby: It's the truth an you know'd it Harvey. It's the truth with my hand up if'n I had to die.

Harvey: I, I ... he had a gun!

Sebastian: It's Camille. She drives me to do things that, well, I'm ashamed of.

Harvey: And I maintain that I know nothing of this woman.

Sebastian: Oh, I know that now.

Rabby: Let me tell you about the womens. Greatest troubles a man kin have an git hisself into is usually on account a the womens. Or the bottle. Or the womens an the bottle.

Sebastian: Well, I certainly have been driven to drink lately. My life has no meaning without Camille.

Rabby: But that's jest it ol' boy. Yer life has meaning cuz yer created in the image of the living God. An not on account a no girl. An you let God save yer wicked soul an you'll find yer purpose which is to praise Him an a live out yer mission which is to declare "Kingdom a God is at hand" to a lost an dying world an all.

Sebastian: I don't know about all of that.

Harvey: Have you heard of the "Romans Road?"

Sebastian: Come again?

Rabby: Huh?

Harvey: I have a tract ....

Rabby: Harvey we need to git this interview on track an all. But you give him yer paper an we'll talk about it later.

Sebastian: Yes. We will discuss this matter.

Rabby: So anyhow last time we saw you two, Sebastian you wuz in a rage an Harvey you wuz cryin' an screamin an you had some leakage goin' on in the pants.

TO BE CONTINUED

Can you believe it?

2006-06-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

Other day I walked into a barbershop an asked me fer a trim an they said "We don't cut hares."

An now how much a redneck are you?

2006-06-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

You Are 75% Redneck

Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!There ain't no redneck like you.

How Redneck Are You?

An wut kind of a kisser are ya

2006-06-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romanceYou love to kiss under the stars or by the seaThe perfect kiss involves the perfect moodIt's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Well an I guess I'll say howdy

2006-06-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a spell, an I feel sorry about that but you got to remember that I'm jest a bunny an I don't have fingers only paws. An it's hard to type an if'n not fer the Lord and His tender mercies where would I be. An that's a fact with my hand up if'n I had to die. It shore is.

An now I seen on all these blogs there's all kinds of persona, perso, pers -- tests that tell you what kind of folk you is, like "What color crayon would you be" and whatnot. An I'll say it an I'll speak it plain: I don't git it. I don't git why people is wastin' ther blog space with sech nonsense. But then I never post anything anyway so's I guess I ain't got room to talk.

One thing I will say though is I love the Lord. An if'n you love the Lord then say it an say it loud an don't be ashamed becuz he that denies the Lord afore men will be denied of the Lord afore the Father. And that jest ain't by my say so -- it's in the Holy Book. An now you kin go an tell somebody what the Lord's done fer you, an then fer good measure say, "An He saved ol' Rabby's wicked soul." An that's a amen with me.

An now I got to git out a here.

Babble Of The Sexes

2006-02-06T05:00:00.000-08:00

An now this here is a public service announcement fer some girls who is frends to this blog - well one who is an one who kidnapped me but is still one a God's children:

There is to be a "Babble of The Sexes: A Public Rant About Desperate Dating Habits and the Opposite Sex" this coming Friday at 7 pm. It's at the Ninth and O Baptist Church in Louisville, an it's sponsored by that church an Hungry Planet (www.hungryplanet.net). But I herd about it from Christine Hnat and Lorie King. An they give me a little postcard or somethin' that tells all about it. An it's this couple that wrote "Marriable: Taking The Desperate Out Of Dating" that will be leadin' the Rant an takin' questions from folks. An these are some a their topics:

Shut Up An Be Mysterious
Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last
Desperate Lies Womens Tell Themselves
How Being 'Just Friends' Is A Waste Of Time
A lively (and anonymous) Q&A time

Now I could say somethin' about some a these topics. I've already laid down the final werd on the just frends thing. An about the "be mysterious" we'll see what they mean. Rabby don't go fer no games. If'n you meet me I like to learn yer story an if'n I think I'm bein' played then that does it fer me. I'm out the door cuz this ain't high school. But if'n they mean "don't sit there an tell yer whole sob story fer seven hours ever time you go out with someone fer the first time" then I can second that.

An about the nice guys finishin' last: I used to whip the tar out a anyone who looked at me cross-eyed but ever since I been warshed in the blood a the lamb I put these paws to the side an laid down my sword an shield. But still, I think this couple is sayin' don't be some sissified man with no backbone who lets the womens push you all over creation cuz they won't respect that. An that's a amen from me.

So anyway, you should chek this thing out an ask them stuff an all.

An Here I Go Again

2006-02-01T05:30:00.000-08:00

Well I said somethin' to Christine about talkin' to the issue of mens and womens bein' frends an then I said somethin' on Laura's blog about bringin' up some a the issues she wrote about (http://madenoughtopray.blogspot.com).

So now let me say this an I'll speak it plain: First off when it comes to frends, is you is or is you ain't? An the proof is in the puddin'. An that concept is straight outta the Good Book. Yes it is -- "by ther fruits ye shall know a them." If'n you, as a single gal, is frends with some feller, then that's wut you are an will act like an so will he. An you kin be frends with his gal an he kin be frends with yer feller, when you git one. An if'n that can't be, then you isn't frends an never really wuz. An if'n yer both actin' like frends only cuz yer wantin' the other to make the first move into something else, then you ain't really frends an further more the feller shouldn't be waitin' on you to make the move cuz he should make it. An if'n yer goin' on an on as frends with some guy, wishin' he'll make a move, an he never does, then I got some ocean front property in the dessert to sell ya. Now that's as plain as the nose on yer face, ain't it? Can ever body understand that? Can I git a witness?

An now about headship an all a that. I wunt to be careful here an not let you womens think that ever man gits to be the boss of ya, but you do have to consider, like Gilles wrote on his blog a few weeks ago: the way you act around yer frends an family is the way you'll be with yer husband. Oh yes it will. An if'n yer always pushin' yer male buddies around an bossin' yer brothers an all the other mens in yer life, you ain't jest gonna magically change yer tune when yer married. No you won't. Cuz it's already ingrai, ingra, ingra -- it's already a deep-rooted part a yer personality.

An when yer first in love you may be able to act totally different an be all submissive, an then you'll say "Ol' Rabby wuz wrong." But if'n that's yer attitude yer in fer a fall. Cuz wut's really goin' on is yer havin' an easy time puttin' yer best foot forward cuz the relashunship is new an yer all goo-goo eyed. But when the new wears off an the honeymoon period is over (if'n you git married) an all a the sudden yer sharin' a household with this feller, the old mean bossy you is gonna come back an gonna scare the dickens out a him. An that's a fact with my hand up if'n I had to die.

An now I got to git out a here.

More Relationship Talk Fer The Womens

2006-01-30T05:38:00.000-08:00

An lets say yer in a rela, relat, relay ... lets say yer with a feller. An it ain't workin' out but he won't let you leave. One time my ol' pinhead frend Stacey Hall had a feller like that, an she wuz tryin' to break up with him becuz she found out he smoked pot an also he didn't like her niece an nephew an all. So she toll him to git away over lunch one day, but sed it real nice like ladies do sometimes.

So then he started cryin' right in public, an he kept it up even outside in the street downtown, an he started caterwaulin' "Fight fer us, baby. Fight fer us." An here they'd only known each other a couple months an had a few dates.

An if I'd a been there I'd a showed him wut fisticuffs feels like from a bunny.

But anyways why do womens have so much trouble gettin' away from clingy, cryin' men? Do any of you womens have that trouble? It's like you feel so sorry fer them an all. But an I'll say this: we mens are supposed to be strong enuff to handle a little rejection. An wut might be okay to shed a few tears fer a girl that we've luved fer a while is jest plain unmanly if'n we've hardly even had a relat, relay, rel ... if'n we jest had a few dates or somethin'.

An I wonder if maybe some of it is becuz it flatters you womens to see someone who seems to adore you so much, actin' the fool over you. But let me say this an I'll speak it plain: if'n you keep kissin' frogs no prince will come near you. An I know'd that this advice goes against wut so many dating experts say but it's the plain common sense truth, not some silly little fairy tale. No prince wants to git warts cuz you been spendin' all yer time down by the pond, kissin' nasty ol' frogs. You should spend yer time seekin' first the kingdom a God an all His righteousness, an then all these good things will be added unto you. Now that's speakin' it plain. It shore is.

An now tomorrow or the next day I will be talkin' about Christine's comments about my views on womens and mens bein' frends some more. But now I got to git out a here.

2006-01-25T13:58:00.000-08:00

Now I'll tell ya whatfer: ol' Bethany has a good post up at winningthroughlosing.blogspot.com about some book called The List that talks about datin' an all. An some of wut that book sez makes since an some is a bunch a hogwash, an I don't mind sayin' so. But since I'm a gonna be talkin' about datin' advice an all in this blog from now on, I thought I'd talk about this here statement ol' Bethany made about wut the book sez a man who is interested an worth a plug nickel will do:

He'll call within a week of meeting you to ask you out on a date, make the first date fun and easy, call after a good date in 24-48 hours for another date, be forthcoming with his intentions.

Now that's the God's honest truth. It shore is. An ladies, if'n you meet someone an he doesn't do these things, yer a kiddin' yerself on at least one a two points:
A. That he's really interested in doin' more with you than havin' someone to hang around when he's bored.
or
B. He's worth a plug nickel

Cuz if he really is sweet on you an all, but he doesn't call within a week after meetin' ya, or if'n he does an ya'll go out but then he doesn't call within a day or two after that, then he ain't worth a plug nickel. I sed it an I'll say it to anyone, anytime. An if'n I wasn't warshed in the blood a the lamb I'd gladly back it up with my paws, but I don't get into viole, viol, vio -- I don't fight no more.

An now you ladies know the score on that one. An you kin thank me later. Maybe name yer first-borne after me. That's Earl. Earl P. Rabbit. An I'll be back with more datin' advice from time to time but now I got to git out a here.

Well, an I done fell off the wagon.

2006-01-19T05:22:00.000-08:00

I guess ever body been wonderin' where I been. Well an I'll tell ya becuz we should be real with our bruthers an sisters in the Lord an let them into our lives an all.

I wuz at a Christmas party an there was booze, an I thought I could handle me a cup an all. An there wuz other Christians a drinkin' an it didn't bother them none but I forget I'm jest a rabbit an I can't hold my liquor so well. An next thing I know'd I woke up under the bridge an I had the werst head ache an it made me so ashamed an all. So I said, "Earl," (that's wut I call myself is Earl, cuz that's my real name even though my nickname is Rabby) "Earl, you got yerself a problem an the Lord ain't pleased becuz yer sposed to be a witness fer Him an His glory."

So's I checked myself into the rehab clinic an that's where I been ever since. But now I'm out an I learned my lesson which is I got to stay away from all that stuff cuz elsewhy's I'll keep either wakin' up under bridges or I'll git in more trouble with all the womens, like in my days a darkness afore the Lord shined His light on me an spoke peace to my troubled soul.

An praise Him fer those people at the clinic that helped me in my deliverance and praise Him fer His grace that warshes me clean when I fall. An I'll tell it ever where I go.

An I'll tell ya another thing. I been catchin' up on ever body's blogs an I see where some people write about relat, relation, rel ... about mens and womens together. An I got some stuff to say about that so I'll be touchin' on it in some future column on this here blog.

An now I got to get out a here, an just keep on prayin' fer me, a humble sinner saved by His grace an desirin' to know nothin' but Christ an Him crucified. An pray that I'll stay out a the cups cuz Lord knows I git sideways.

Guess who jest turned 24? Laura did an she's my friend

2005-12-06T05:11:00.000-08:00

Well an I guess Gilles ain't got the grace to write up anything on his blog about Laura's birthday which was Sunday, so's even though I ain't met Laura in the flesh I'm gonna do what Gilles should a done an thataway he'll be ashamed an spurred on to works a righteousness by my example.

Laura is a good ol' gal, an if'n I wasn't a rabbit, an I knew how to add links to my site, I'd add a link to her blog. But of course I am a rabbit so's I'm doin' good to even type and spell things correctly, which I always do. But Laura's blog is at http://madenoughtopray.blogspot.com and you'ns should check it out an sit fer a spell an even leave her a comment or something cuz I know she'd apprec, appre, app -- I know she'd thank you fer it.

An now this is me, Earl P. Rabbit, otherwise known as Rabby, wishin' Laura the best year ever and may she be drawed closer to the Lord an be renewed in her heart an here's a good ol' song fer her with my banjer:

Blessed be the ties that bind
Our hearts in Christian love.
The fellership of kindred minds
Is like to that above.

An now I got to git out a here.

Dang it.

2005-11-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

I s'pose you remember when I told ya'll about my new puppy, little p. He was a peein' all over the house. Well, he's still a doin' it. An also he sez he ain't a puppy. But if'n he's not, you couldn't tell it by me. Also, he sez it ain't him doin' the peein', it's jest that our other room-mate Tigey spills water all over the place when he's a waterin' our plants.

Now, this could be true I guess. But what I sez is, "How come he ain't been a spillin' this water all along, like afore you got here, little p? An little p sez it's cuz we jest bought the plants a couple months ago, after little p moved in. An I guess there's a certain logic to that but I don't like sass. An if little p ain't the sassiest critter I ever did lay my eyes on ... well, actually he's jest about as sassy as Lorie King.

Speakin' of frends an all, me an Joel the Metro has been gettin' along jest fine ever since I declared fer the Lord an His righteousness. I ain't had to whip ol Anderson in months. Now he would say I ain't ever a whipped him, but that's cuz he has his pride an all. But anyway, me an Anderson goes out ever now an then to see some bluegrass bands. He wouldn't like me to say this since he's a humble man, but he's a right fine musician with the jug. He kin play that ol' time music with the best a them.

But anyways, little p. I guess I'm a gonna learn to live with him because I got the peace a Christ and all, a livin' in my heart. An he does pay his share a the rent. But please pray fer ol' Rabby that I don't strangle this puppy.

Been like forever

2005-10-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

I been too busy ta write but now I got me an announc, anounc, ano -- I got somethin' to tell ya:

Some Christian production company got word a my life story an my conversion from the darkness into the light, an they wanna make a book an a movie about it. It will be called "Gonna Study War No More: The Earl P. Rabbit Story." So you look fer it in yer Family Christian an Wellspring an all a that.

Now another thing is there's this person showin' up in all the blogs named Harvey Brown, an he sez he disagrees with me on music in the church. An I don't know what all he's even talkin' about but he can't come on this here blog because he won't git himself a blog so's even though he signs his name he's an anony, anon, ano ... you know what I mean. An I don't allow those kinds on The Briar Patch. Now, some folks do. I ain't a gonna judge you. But I don't allow it. I won't have it.

So's Harvey Brown, you sign up with blogspot an git yerself a blog, an then you an me can debate an I'll whip you good. Specially fer goin' on MY frends blog, the lovely and gracious Lorie King, an sayin' I'm all made up. I'm real, boy. But I love you in Christ.

An you sed it on Nikki Tatom's blog too but she won't link to me cuz she don't respect the hare neither, but that's okay cuz I don't judge nobody but my heavenly father sees all.

An that's all I got to say fer now, and now I got to git out a here. So this is me, Rabby, otherwise known as Earl P. Rabbit. An now goodbye.

Blogwatch

2005-09-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

Gilles has a good column up at http://diasinger.blogspot.com about the trinity an all. I'm learnin' more an more about my Lord ever day. Ever day.

An I'm bein' tempted by the bottle but Lord knows that gits me sideways an then I start bustin' up places, an then there's the womens. So's I jest draw nigh to God an He draws nigh to me, an I resist ol' Slewfoot. An that's what I'm gonna keep a doin', so my Lord says "Well done, my good an faithful servant, enter in to the joys I've a prepared fer you."

Well, an I got a new roommate

2005-09-23T05:25:00.000-07:00

Me an ol' Tigey decided to git us another roommate on account a Tigey's been down on his back an unable to work, an on account a now that I'm saved an all, I'm easier to live with so's we might be able to share our space with others this time, without me endin' up chasin' him off with my ol' shotgun.

So we got this new feller named Little P. I'm not sure where he got his name but I think I know. Anyway, Little P's real name is "Pancho," an he wears a big ol' cowboy hat so that does it fer me. That says he's one with the soil an with good ol' American virtues an all.

But one problem. "Little P" should be named "Little Pee." Cuz he's just a peein' all over the place. Bein' a puppy, I guess that's his way. But it's still a makin' me mad, an if'n I wasn't all livin' under the grace a Jesus, I'd whip the tar out a him. In fact-a-bidness, you might want to pray fer me that I don't take after him with my paws, cuz I know that would hurt my Christian witness an all. But tar-and-tarnation! Do you know what it's like to go a traipsin' to yer fridge fer a midnight snack, and step smack-dab into a puddle a pee? It's frustratin' as all get-out.

An another thing is Little P is always follerin' me around. Bugs me to no end. An all kind a questions, too. "What does this do, what does that do." What do I look like, a cess pool of information? Good Lord a Moses!

But when I take up my banjer an start to play some a them good ol' gospel standards, he starts a singin'. An Little P has a sight-good voice. He shore does. An that makes me think he ain't all bad, even if he does hike his little leg and make a mess all over the house. I guess you can't have ever thing. But if anyone has any advice how I can make this boy use the toilet, please let me know a'fore I whup him good.

An now this has been me, Earl P. Rabbit, otherwise known as Rabby. An now I got to git out a here. An Jesus loves you an he died fer your sins an he's a comin' back to rule an reign.

Relevant-shmelavant

2005-09-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

Since I been a livin' fer the Lord, I been hearin' all kind a talk about bein' "relevant." Now, first time somebody told me I need ta be relevant, I thought they was sassin' me or sayin' a dirty word to me so's I started to read 'em their rights. An I even thought about feedin' em a knuckle sandwich but I didn't, on account a now I'm numbered with the saints, and also I don't have any knuckles.

But nows I know it means we're supposed to be all "one with the culture" an not be our own little sub-culture. An to put away the testa-mints an the "My boss is a Jewish Carpenter" bumper stickers, an to listen to certain kinds a music that ain't a copyin' whatever's on the radio charts. An a whole lot a other things along those lines.

An then they started sayin' how I should know how to "talk with the peoples" an not use all religious words, an I should watch this kind a movie and that kind a movie, and all. An I should prove how cool a Christian I am by throwin' out a cuss word ever now an then, and bein' able to talk about fine wines an beer an all. An that's when I said "Now jest one minute there, pardner. Cuz the Lord didn't save my ol' wretched soul from the muck an the mire jest so's I could go a wallerin' there again. An it sounds to ol' Rabby like "relevant" is jest the new name fer "cool," an now let me tell ya somethin': the cross ain't cool, folks. Nosirree, the cross is foolish an embarrassing to them that love darkness, them such as I before my savior convicted me of my sins, an it ain't never gonna be cool, an if'n you can make it cool then it ain't the cross any more. It's just some trendy lookin' necklace or tattoo or whatever, an it don't mean what it's supposed to mean at all. An folks I'm a jest gettin' warmed up an I'm a feelin' like taking these ol' paws an runnin' some money changers out a the temples, but then that's probably jest my ol' carnal desire to put a whoopin' on somebody so's I guess I won't do that.

But it's offendin' me, some a this relevant talk. Friend, jest be who God wants you to be. Now Gilles, fer instance, now he likes some a that ol' Bob Dylan, but to me it don't make no sense. Like "Whoo-ey, are we gonna fly, down in the easy chair." What in the world is that, anyway? Some kind a riddle?

But now some folks like it, an though the old Rabby would say it's cuz they stupid, the redeemed Rabby says to each his own. But as long as we remember this one thing: we are livin' fer the Lord, an that means we're not cool an if someone wants me to be cool so's I can win people fer the Lord, then that's when we part ways and I give 'em a rebuke fer preachin' a different gospel than what Paul taught, because Paul new the cross wuz the very power of the gospel, not some kind a marketing campaign. An Paul didn't have to go shakin' his booty like the latest rap star to prove how cool he could be, even though he wuz a Christian. An I ain't a doin' it neither. An I'm Earl P. Rabbit, otherwise known as Rabby, an now I got to git out a here.

Well an now I jest got myself tagged

2005-09-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

Blog-tagged, that is. It was Gilles that done it to me, but he was jest carryin' on what ol' Rupp started. An Tatom is in on the whole mess too. Oh well, I guess I'll play along since I'm nice an Christian now, but tar-and-tarnation if this ain't the most ridic, ridi, rid -- one of the most silly things I ever did hear of.

So what I got to do is name five things I miss. So here it is:

1. Fur.
2. Not bein' held together with masking tape.
3. Boozin and womens, since I been saved. Pray fer me on that so's I will stand firm in the midst of temptation and the sin that so easily besets me.
4. Booty-whuppin'. Same as #3 above.
5. The Dukes a Hazzard. The REAL Dukes a Hazzard, dagnabit, not this infernal movie they got out nowadays.

An now I tag Christa, Kristin, Donna, George W, and J-Lo. I don't expect much response out a the last two, but I'm puttin' my request in jest to see if anything comes of it.

Well, an this is Lorie King's birthday

2005-09-14T05:14:00.000-07:00

An a happy one it is, I bet. An here I am, Earl P. Rabbit, otherwise known as Rabby, an I'm still saved by the way, an a lovin' this livin' fer the Lord. But now I'm gonna interview this birthday girl.

Rabby: Welcome to the Briar Patch, an a happy birthday to ya.

Lorie: Do you have anything to eat? I'm famished?

Rabby: Ever body that comes on this show an does an interview with me gits a canned ham backstage.

Lorie: Can I just have mine now? No, really.

Rabby: Tar-and-tarnation, woman! I'm a gonna tell you ... (Rabby calms down) No, no, no ... I'm a saved now, I can't git all worked up and mean. Shore you can have yer canned ham. Here you go. An here's a fork.

Lorie: (eating) Thanks. Yum. Slurp.

(Rabby watches, stunned, as Lorie wolfs down the ham in record time)

Rabby: Well, dang! I'll be a horned toad lizard if that wasn't the fastest I've ever seen a person eat.

Lorie: I told you I was hungry.

Rabby: Um, so ... anyways, welcome to the show an how is yer birthday going.

Lorie: Okay.

Rabby: The big 4-0?

Lorie: WHAT?!?

Rabby: Hahaha! Jest a kiddin'. That's a real knee slapper!!!

Lorie: Do you have any dessert?

Rabby: No ma'am. Sponsors don't supply it on account of my cavities.

Lorie: I'm afraid I have to go, then.

Rabby: But, but, but --

Lorie: I have been meaning to talk to you about your grammar, though. And your enunciation.

Rabby: My what?

Lorie: Enunciation.

Rabby: I ain't got no more enun, enunc, enu ... I ain't into whatever that is anymore. I been saved.

Lorie: Congratulations on that, by the way. But "enunciation" is merely the manner in which --

Rabby: An when He saved my soul He did a powerful lot of convictin' me on all I was doin' wrong, and He a told me that enough was enough. And that did it fer me. It shore did.

Lorie: Praise the Lord. But I really have to go. I want some cheesecake and some ice cream.

Rabby: Dagnabit! You are the eatingest human girl I've ever seen. How do you stay wee?!?

Lorie: Oh, I work out.

Rabby: Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense, but --

Lorie: I really have to go. Hey, did you make me a birthday cake?

Rabby: I'm a rabbit.

Lorie: Oh. Yeah. Right. Well, I have to go. I'll come back some time. Have pastries waiting.

Rabby: Instead a the ham?

Lorie: Silly little bunny. Not "instead" of the ham. "In addition" to the ham.

Rabby: Oh, ok. Well, by now. An come back anytime, an you smell nice, an you don't bug me much anymore because Jesus changed my heart an made me love the unloveable, cuz that's what grace does.

Lorie: I really have to go. I'm ravenous.

THE END

Guess what? I gone an got saved

2005-09-05T13:20:00.000-07:00

Well an I got saved last night at the ol' camp meetin' of the First United Holy Ghost-Filled Sactified Baptist Church All Day-Singin' and Dinner on the Ground. An I guess I'll tell ya about it.
Well I always liked me some good ol' gospel music. Not like this here stuff where's all it amounts to is some watered-down, Jesus-is-my-boyfriend, American Idol Karaoke night an electric pianer music an you don't even know if anyone who came on by would know'd it was a song about the Lord or not, but I mean some real ol' gospel sangin'. An so I was a talkin' about it on ol' Nikki Tatom's blog, an it got me to thinkin' about how it'd been forever since I been to a meetin', on account a the last time I went somebody stepped on my blue suede shoes an I had to show em my paws, up close and on the kisser, an the deacons all threw me out. But that was the ol' Rabby, not the new one.
An I'm all new cuz at this service last night, after we sung some a them good ol songs like Vict'ry In Jesus, Walkin' In Jerusalem Just Like John, an There Is A Fountain, that ol' preacher man got up there an started declarin' the Word a the Lord, an it was a powerful message. An he told me that Jesus Christ died for my sins an I better git right with him an except his sacrifice cuz the day's a comin' when time shall be no more an it will be too late, an me an my kind that has trampled on His holy name will be trod underfoot an sent into that lake a fire. An right then, that preacher was close to gettin' a booty whoopin' cuz I thought, "Preacher, I ain't a trampled on no holy name, I'm just a good ol' boy. An I pay my taxes an I beat up commies whenever I sees 'em an all, an if someone takes the Lord's name in vain I read 'em their rights an even if I have to, I spit tobaccer juice right on their shoes an I say, "If'n you say the Lord's name in vain again, there's more than tobaccer juice gonna befall ya."
But then that preacher kept a goin' an the Holy Spirit fell on me an showed me the fruits a my doin's. All the violence an the bitterness an all that beer an whiskey, just a makin' me do foolish things an cause trouble. An all the womens. Oh my, all those womens. An I seen that it was jest cuz I'm a tryin' to fill the emptiness inside a me but it ain't a workin'. An then that preacher read about some people that was a pricked in their hearts an they said "What must we do to be saved," an right then I jumped up an hollered "Yeah, Preacher, what must I, a vile sinner, do to be saved." An I jumped so high and hollered so loud, the lady right next to me fainted away, but that preacher, he pointed at me and he shouted "Repent in that name above all name, be baptized in the water and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit!"
An I said, "That does it for me, preacher, take me to that watery grave!"
An ever one was a shoutin' and a sayin' "Another prodigal has returned to the fold!" An then they started singin' that good ol song "Warshed In The Blood," an it was like I was a hearin' those words fer the first time, an I shouted an ran all the way to that river bank and sloshed right through that water. I didn't even care that my fur was a gettin' all wet, I said "Dunk me Jesus!"
An that preacher, he come in after me an he said, "Boy, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit," an then he laid me under an I CAME UP A SHOUTIN' AN A SINGIN' HIS PRAISES, an a good ol' fashion Holy Ghost revival broke out on that there river bank an we had twenty-seven souls added to the army of the Lord. An we was a carryin' on all night long. An it was like the sky split open an the Lord descended on my wee head an said "Child, your roamin' days are over, enter into my fold." And let me tell ya what, the tears a joy was a flowin' from these eyes a mine, an I don't care if the world knows it. Cuz I been bought by the blood a Jesus an I'm a gonna tell it ever where I go.
An I ain't a gonna be layin' the smackdown on folks no more, not even them that deserves it. An I put away the bottle cuz Lord knows how it makes me git sideways. An I'm a takin' up my banjer an a gonna sing his praises ever chance I git.
An now all a ya'll that gits my goat, I'm a sorry for my bitterness. Nikki Tatom, I'm a sorry fer thinkin' yer a creepy little kid an bein' bitter cuz you don't link to my blog from yer's. You an me is pals now. An Will Wyman, I'm a sorry that right here in this blog I called you Loser a the Day, cuz yer a winner with Jesus and that says it fer me. An ol' Tom Branch, you is always tryin' to pull my chain but I forgive ya, ol' pal. An I forgive Lorie King fer her part in kidnappin' me even though she won't fess up to it. An you still smell nice Miss King but now I even think yer personality is all right.
An even them Anderson's -- well, Amanda Anderson anyway. No, that's not right, I got to do what the Lord commands -- Joel Anderson, put 'er there, pal. Me and you's gonna bury the hatchet an work for the Kingdom. An last but not least, Gilles, I'm a sorry fer all the mean things I said an fer startin' this blog jest to bedevil you. Now this blog will be used fer the forces of good, an you an me can be friends.
And now that's all but I'll be back later. I got to git out a here. An I love you all, an go an tell someone what the Lord has done fer ya, an then fer good measure say "An he saved ol' Rabby's wicked soul." An that's a "amen." It shore is.

And Another Thing

2005-09-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

People been sayin' they come to this here blog but they don't wanna leave any comments cuz they'se afraid I'll read 'em their rights. Well? Jest don't say nothin' stupid!

If you wanna say somethin' that don't make no sense, then you deserve gettin' the smackdown laid on you. Now, if'n you got somethin' intel, intelli, int -- if'n you got somethin' that makes sense, then you an me kin be friends. Is that so hard to understand? Is it? I'm askin' you?

Tar-and-tarnation, people! Wake up an git some sense. And that's all, an this is The Briar Patch with Earl P. Rabbit, otherwise known as Rabby. And now git out a here.

Another thing that gits my goat

2005-08-26T05:24:00.000-07:00

People showin' up in blogs with messages that have nothin' to do with the subject of the column -- people sellin' insurance or pickled pigs feet or some such foolishness. Anyone like that shows up at my blog, they's gonna git run off with my shotgun. Now go on you hucksters, git out a here.

An another thing. Nikki Tatom's blog had a column a slammin' the Dukes a Hazzard. Now let me say this: another thing about Jessica Simpson is that ever body knows Daisy Duke wasn't some dumb blonde. She had brown hair. An also, you can't have no more Dukes a Hazzard episodes cuz Waylon Jennings is dead. An ever body knows the best part a that show was ol' Waylon: "Jest the good ol' boys, never meanin' no harm,
beats all ya ever saw gettin' trouble with the law since the day they wuz born."

And now all a ya'll, git out a here and thanks fer stoppin' by. And never go to Gilles's blog cuz he's a neozumdweebie.

Hot Diggity!

2005-08-18T05:02:00.000-07:00

I was all set to write a column wheres I skewer ol' Tom Branch, when I noticed he has a link up to me on his blog. He likes me! The ol' boy really likes me!

Come on Tom, give ol' Rabby a great big hug!

But these bloggers still git my goat:

Nikki Tatom, who doesn't know as many Bob Dylan songs as me.
Gilles, the stupid little sissy.
Lorie King, who personally stink but sometimes smells nice.

These bloggers are still okay, but I got my eye on em':
Christa Webb
Cheryl Rupp

Something to share with you:

2005-08-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

I think you'll like this one:

A Blessing
by James Wright , c. 2005

Just off the highway to Rochester, Minnesota,
Twilight bounds softly forth on the grass.
And the eyes of those two Indian ponies
Darken with kindness.
They have come gladly out of the willows
To welcome my friend and me.
We step over the barbed wire into the pasture
Where they have been grazing all day, alone.
They ripple tensely, they can hardly contain their happiness
That we have come.
They bow shyly as wet swans. They love each other.
There is no loneliness like theirs.
At home once more,
They begin munching the young tufts of spring in the darkness.
I would like to hold the slenderer one in my arms,
For she has walked over to me
And nuzzled my left hand.
She is black and white,
Her mane falls wild on her forehead,
And the light breeze moves me to caress her long ear
That is delicate as the skin over a girl's wrist.
Suddenly I realize
That if I stepped out of my body I would break
Into blossom.

People Who Git My Goat

2005-08-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

1. David Letterman. Think yer funny, boy? You an all a yer mockin' ain't funny to me. Know what we'd do to yer kind in the briar patch? We'd have you screamin' like a little girl.

2. Shania Twain. Think yer too good to return my calls?

3. Gilles. You an me is headed fer a sh0w-down. Don't ever forget it. I may turn my dag-blamed attention elsewheres fer awhile, but you an me's gonna dance. And that's a fact with my hand up, if I had to die.

4. Joel Anderson. And his little wife, too. Evil. Just evil. But sometimes the woman smells nice. But Joel is always the devil.

5. Jessica Rabbit. I ditched her like yesterday's news. Cuz I'm not into Rabbits. I don't care what they look like, they're still rabbits. Think I'm jest a rabbit? Tar-and-tarnation! I'm a Were Bunny. An I like me some human gals.

6. Pinhead Stacey Schneider. I knowd they tried to frame you when they kidnapped me, but that's cuz ever body believes you WOULD try somethin' that wrong. You -- somethin' weird happened when you wuz birthed. You turned out wrong. Just wrong. Yer some kind of spook girl.

Know who else gits my goat? Lots of folks. But that's enough list fer now. And Lorie King, you know what I think a folks that start a column on their blog and then don't foller through with it in good time? I spit on their memory. And you already git my goat sometimes but sometimes you smell nice.

And all the stinkin' lot of the rest of ya. What are ya doin'? What did you come to see, a sideshow? Have a little fun at Rabby's expense? Now you've had yer fun, so go on. Git out a here.

Loser of the Day: Will Wyman

2005-08-01T10:07:00.000-07:00

I'm a startin' a new column. It will run from time to time. It's called "Loser of the Day." It will be about people who git my goat.

Now you might think I'd put Gilles at the top a my list, but see, it's just like I always say -- "Just when you think you got the answers, I change the questions." Ain't nobody knows who ol' Rabby is a gonna skewer. So, plenty a time later for me to lay the smackdown on Gilles. Today I'm gonna tell ya why Will Wyman is a loser.

First, have ya heard the phrase "As ornery as an Anderson?" Well, Wee Willy Wyman fits the bill.

First off, he's always lyin' agin me. He says "Oh, I saw Rabby here-and-there, doin' this-and-that." Folks, Wyman don't never see me nowhere cuz he's a scairt to go to the places I go. We don't tolerate his kind where I hang my hat.

Second off, he always says he saw me doin' something agin the law. I am ever more a law abidin' citizen. I got my flag in my pickup and my NRA bumper sticker and I got me a love for the laws of our land. Now just cuz I get me a little sideways on Saturday nights, just cuz I have to dispense fistfulls a justice to people what don't mind they're own bidness, that don't make me a law breaker. So Wyman, you jest stop all yer talk or you're gonna meet my paws, right across the kisser.

Last off, he always says "Seizure later." Folks, he stole that phrase from me. Yes he did. I always used to say it, but then he started up and now I don't say it no more cuz it leaves a bad taste in my mouth to know that people might think I was a copying Wyman. You are a phrase-thief, Wyman. You know'd it and I know'd it.

And that's enough evidence to show all a ya'll who the Loser of the Day is. But don't think I don't got me a bunch of other people for this here column. You all know who you are -- you losers. I will tell the word about all a ya'll. And tell the world WHY you are a loser. Yer whole lives will be exposed for humanity to see. And a stinkin' sordid lot you are. Yer name will be a hiss and a byword for future generations. So that's a warnin'. It shore is.

You been warned. And that's by me, Earl P. Rabbit, in other words, Rabby. And now git out a here.

Lyrics

2005-07-22T05:27:00.000-07:00

When I get me some time I'll tell ya'll what I think of this little ditty. A real song. Not like those sissy-boy songs Gilles talks about all time on his rinky dink little blog.

All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight

I got ketchup on my blue jeans, I just burnt my hand. Lord, its hard to be a bachelor man.
I got girls that can cook, I got girls that can clean, I got girls that can do anything in between.
I got to get ready, make everything right, 'cause all my rowdy friends are coming over tonight.

Do you want a drink. Hey do you want to party.
Hey honey this is ole Hank. Ready to get the thing started.
We cooked the pig in the ground, got some beer on ice
and all my rowdy friends are coming over tonight.

Now my party pad is out in the woods its long, long way from here to Hollywood,
but I got some natural queens out on the floor and ole Miss Mississippi just walked through the door.
Got a little wirlpool just made for ten, and you can jump out and you can jump in.
You can do anything that you want to do, but uh uhh, don't you step on my cowboy boots.

Do you want to drink. Hey do you want to party.
Hey this is ole Hank. Ready to get your summer started.
I cooked a pig in the ground, we got some beer on ice
and all my rowdy friends are coming over tonight.

Do you want to drink, hey do you want to party.
Hey hey this is rock'n Randall Hank, ready to get the summer time started.
We cooked the pig in the ground, we got some beer on ice,
all my rowdy friends are coming over tonight. Thats right. Come on in!

c. Hank Williams, Jr.

Ha ha, Gilles! Yer goin' down.

2005-07-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

This here is Earl P. Rabbit -- better know'd as Rabby. Even better know'd as B-Dog's worst nightmare.
Jive To The Monkey just got squished, folks. It's in the cesspool of history. Yesterday's spittle. You want the real scoop on things? Then forget Gilles's little nancy-boy blog and hop on into "The Briar Patch." You never know what's a comin' yer way here in The Briar Patch.
I might do some interviews, I might tell ya the way things are, I might kick some bootie -- it's anybody's guess. They don't call me "the orneriest critter this side of an Anderson" for nothin'.
And all this is happenin' cuz Gilles wouldn't apol, apoll, apo ... cuz Gilles wouldn't say he's sorry for his wrong doin's.

Spread the word. Rabby's here, and so is the paaaaarty! Woooooooo!

And don't forget: just when they think they have the answers, I change the questions! Woooooo!